How to Set Boundaries When You Don't Know What Yours Are
Estimated Read Time: 7 minutes
Someone asks you for a favor and you say yes immediately, even though you don't have the time or energy. Later, you feel resentful. Angry at them. Angry at yourself.
Or maybe someone crosses a line and you freeze. You don't say anything in the moment. You just endure it. Then you replay it over and over in your head, thinking of all the things you should have said.
If this sounds familiar, you're not failing at boundaries. You might just never have learned what healthy boundaries actually feel like.
Why Trauma Makes Boundaries So Hard
When you've experienced sexual assault, domestic violence, or any situation where your boundaries were repeatedly violated, your internal compass for "yes" and "no" gets damaged.
You learned that your boundaries didn't matter. That saying no wasn't safe. That other people's needs, wants, and comfort came before yours.
So now, even when you're in safe situations, your body doesn't know how to recognize or assert a boundary. You might not even know you have one until after it's been crossed.
This isn't your fault. You adapted to survive. But now you get to learn something new.
What Boundaries Actually Are (And Aren't)
Boundaries aren't walls. They're not about keeping people out or being selfish. They're simply information about what works for you and what doesn't.
Think of boundaries like the fence around a garden. The fence doesn't exist to punish anyone outside the garden. It exists to protect what's growing inside. To create the conditions where good things can thrive.
Your boundaries do the same thing. They protect your energy, your safety, your values, and your wellbeing so you can show up as your best self.
Healthy boundaries are:
Clear (people know where they stand with you)
Consistent (they don't change based on your mood or who's asking)
Flexible (you can adjust them based on trust and context)
Kind (you can hold boundaries without being cruel)
Unhealthy boundaries are:
Rigid walls (keeping everyone out, never letting anyone close)
Non-existent (saying yes to everything, never advocating for yourself)
Manipulative (using boundaries to punish or control others)
The Body Knows First: Tuning Into Your Signals
Before your brain knows a boundary has been crossed, your body knows. The problem is, you might not be listening.
Start paying attention to these physical signals:
Boundary violation signs:
Tightness in your chest or throat
Stomach clenching or nausea
Feeling suddenly exhausted or drained
Tension in your jaw or shoulders
A sense of shrinking or wanting to make yourself smaller
Holding your breath
Green light feelings (when boundaries are respected):
Breathing feels easy and natural
Body feels relaxed but alert
Sense of groundedness
Feeling more energized after an interaction
Chest and shoulders feel open
For the next week, practice this: After every interaction, pause for 10 seconds and check in with your body. Don't judge what you find. Just notice.
"Interesting. My shoulders are up around my ears after that conversation."
"Huh. I feel lighter after spending time with her."
Your body is giving you data. Start collecting it.
The "Let Me Check My Calendar" Strategy
One of the hardest things about boundaries is the pressure to respond immediately. Someone asks for something and you feel like you have to answer right now.
You don't.
Here's a script that buys you time to check in with yourself:
"Let me check my calendar and get back to you." "I need to think about that. Can I let you know tomorrow?" "That's a big ask. I need some time to consider if I can do that."
Even if you don't actually need to check a calendar. Even if you know your answer is probably no. Use this phrase anyway.
It gives you space to move from reactive (saying yes because you feel pressured) to responsive (making an intentional choice).
Practice saying this out loud right now. Say it to your empty room. Say it in your car. Make your mouth form these words so when you need them, they're ready.
The Boundary Levels: Start Small, Build Up
If you're new to boundaries, jumping straight to "no, that doesn't work for me" with difficult people feels impossible. That's okay. Start smaller.
Level 1: Boundaries with yourself
"I'm going to bed by 10pm tonight, even if there are dishes in the sink."
"I'm not checking work email after 6pm today."
"I'm going to eat lunch sitting down instead of at my desk."
Level 2: Boundaries with safe people
Asking your best friend if you can postpone plans because you need a quiet night.
Telling your partner you need 15 minutes to yourself when you get home before jumping into conversation.
Letting your sister know you can't talk on the phone for an hour right now, but you can chat for 10 minutes.
Level 3: Boundaries with moderately challenging people
Telling your coworker you can't cover their shift.
Letting your mom know you won't be able to make it to that family dinner.
Declining an invitation without over-explaining why.
Level 4: Boundaries with difficult people
Ending a phone call when someone becomes disrespectful.
Leaving a gathering early when you need to.
Saying no to someone who has a history of not respecting your boundaries.
Work through these levels. Don't skip ahead. Build your boundary muscle with people who will respect them first.
The "I Don't Want To" Is Reason Enough Practice
We're taught that we need to justify our boundaries with good reasons. We have to be sick, or have a prior commitment, or have some excuse that sounds legitimate.
This is a trap. The more you explain, the more opportunity you give someone to argue with your reasoning.
"I don't want to" is a complete sentence. (Though you don't have to say it that bluntly.)
Try these instead:
"That doesn't work for me."
"I'm not available for that."
"That's not something I can do."
"I'm choosing to pass on that."
Notice: no explanation. No justification. No opening for negotiation.
If someone pushes back with "Why not?" you can say:
"It just doesn't work for me."
"I have other commitments." (Your commitment to your own wellbeing counts.)
People who respect boundaries will accept this. People who don't respect boundaries will keep pushing. That's valuable information about who they are, not evidence that your boundary is wrong.
The Guilt Wave: Riding It Instead of Drowning
Here's what nobody tells you about boundaries: they feel terrible at first.
You'll set a boundary and immediately feel guilty. Selfish. Like you're letting people down. This is completely normal.
Your nervous system is used to prioritizing other people's comfort over your own. When you stop doing that, it sends alarm bells: "Warning! You're being selfish! People will be mad! You're a bad person!"
These feelings are not facts. They're just old programming running its course.
Here's how to ride the guilt wave:
When guilt shows up after setting a boundary, acknowledge it: "Hi guilt. I see you. Thanks for trying to keep me safe. But I'm actually safe right now. I get to take care of myself."
Then do something physical. Go for a walk. Do the shake-it-out exercise from last week's post. Breathe.
The guilt will peak and then it will fade. Usually within 20-30 minutes. You just have to not act on it during that window. Don't send the text taking back your boundary. Don't call and over-apologize. Just wait.
The more you practice this, the shorter and less intense the guilt becomes.
When People Don't Respect Your Boundaries
Some people won't like your boundaries. They'll push back. Get upset. Call you selfish.
This is hard. But here's the truth: people who benefit from you having no boundaries will be upset when you start creating them.
That doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. It means those relationships were working for them, but not for you.
You don't have to defend your boundaries. You just have to hold them.
If someone repeatedly ignores or violates your boundaries after you've clearly stated them, that's important information. Not everyone gets to have unlimited access to you.
Sometimes boundaries change relationships. Sometimes they end them. And sometimes that's exactly what needs to happen for you to heal.
Building Boundaries Takes Time
If you're coming from a place of no boundaries, this is going to feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. You're going to mess up. You're going to say yes when you meant no. You're going to set a boundary and then walk it back.
That's all part of the learning process.
Be patient with yourself. Start small. Practice with safe people. Notice your body's signals. Use the "let me get back to you" script.
And celebrate the tiny wins. You told your friend you couldn't talk right now? That's huge. You declined an invitation without a lengthy explanation? Victory.
These small practices build the muscle. Over time, boundaries start to feel less like confrontation and more like self-care.
Need support as you learn to set boundaries after trauma? We understand how complex boundary work can be, especially for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. Schedule a free consultation to explore how therapy can support your boundary-building journey.