Why Your Anxiety Gets Worse When You Try to Relax (And What to Do Instead)
Estimated Read Time: 6 minutes
You finally have a free evening. No plans, no obligations. Time to relax, right?
But the moment you sit down, your anxiety spikes. Your mind races. Your chest tightens. You feel restless and uncomfortable in your own skin. So you grab your phone, turn on the TV, find something, anything, to fill the space.
If this is your pattern, you're not alone. And you're definitely not doing anything wrong. Your nervous system is actually doing exactly what it's been trained to do.
Why Stillness Feels Dangerous
When you've been running on anxiety for weeks, months, or years, your nervous system adapts. High alert becomes your baseline. Being busy and distracted feels normal. Safe, even.
Then when you finally stop, your nervous system doesn't know what to do with the quiet. All those feelings and sensations you've been outrunning suddenly catch up. Your body interprets the stillness as danger because it's unfamiliar.
This is especially common if you're dealing with trauma, whether from sexual assault, an abusive relationship, or chronic stress. Your system learned that staying vigilant keeps you safe. Relaxing feels like letting your guard down.
So your anxiety isn't broken. It's just really, really good at its job. The problem is, it doesn't know the difference between actual danger and simply being still.
The Window of Tolerance (Why You Can't Just "Calm Down")
Imagine your nervous system has a sweet spot, a window where you feel alert but calm, engaged but not overwhelmed. This is called your window of tolerance.
When you're inside this window, you can think clearly, manage emotions, and respond flexibly to what's happening around you.
But anxiety pushes you above this window into hyperarousal: racing thoughts, panic, feeling wired and unable to settle. Or it drops you below the window into hypoarousal: numb, shut down, disconnected, exhausted.
Here's the key part: you can't just willpower your way back into the window. Telling yourself to "just relax" when you're in hyperarousal is like telling someone who's freezing to "just warm up." It doesn't work that way.
You need specific tools that help your nervous system climb back into that window. Not by forcing it, but by giving it what it needs to regulate.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (The Right Way)
This technique works because you're not trying to force relaxation. Instead, you're creating contrast. Tension first, then release. Your nervous system understands this language.
Here's how to do it:
Find a comfortable position, sitting or lying down. You're going to tense and release each muscle group, moving through your body systematically.
Start with your feet. Curl your toes tight, hold for 5 seconds, then release completely. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.
Move up to your calves. Flex them hard, hold, release.
Continue through:
Thighs (squeeze them together)
Glutes (clench)
Stomach (pull in tight)
Hands (make fists)
Arms (flex biceps)
Shoulders (raise them to your ears)
Face (scrunch everything toward your nose)
The whole process takes about 10 minutes. Do this once a day for a week and watch what happens to your baseline anxiety.
Pro tip: If you're someone who dissociates or feels disconnected from your body, this practice helps you locate where you actually are in space. The physical sensation of tension and release brings you back.
The 4-7-8 Breathing Pattern for Panic
When anxiety spikes into panic, your breath goes shallow and fast. This signals danger to your brain, which creates more anxiety. You're stuck in a loop.
This specific breathing pattern activates your vagus nerve, which literally tells your brain "we're safe now."
The pattern:
Breathe in through your nose for 4 counts
Hold your breath for 7 counts
Exhale completely through your mouth for 8 counts (making a whoosh sound)
Repeat 4 times minimum
That long exhale is the magic. It's impossible to stay in full panic mode while you're breathing out slowly for 8 counts.
Use this when you feel panic rising. In your car before going into somewhere that makes you nervous. When you wake up with anxiety at 3am. Before a difficult conversation.
Don't use this as your only breathing practice though. It's powerful for acute anxiety, but can make you feel lightheaded if you're already calm.
Bilateral Stimulation for Racing Thoughts
This is a technique borrowed from EMDR therapy, and you can do it yourself anywhere. It works by engaging both sides of your brain simultaneously, which helps process stuck thoughts and emotions.
The butterfly hug:
Cross your arms over your chest, hands resting just below your collarbones. Alternate tapping your chest with your hands. Left, right, left, right. Slow and steady, like a heartbeat.
Do this for 2-3 minutes while taking slow breaths. Let your thoughts come and go without grabbing onto them.
Walking variation:
If you're somewhere you can move, go for a walk and pay attention to the rhythm of your feet. Left, right, left, right. Let your arms swing naturally. This bilateral movement has the same calming effect.
This technique is especially helpful when your thoughts are spinning in circles and you can't seem to quiet your mind through breathing alone.
The Anxiety Discharge Technique
Remember how we talked about energy getting stuck in your nervous system? Sometimes you need to physically move that energy out. This is especially true if your anxiety comes with that jittery, restless feeling.
Here's what to do:
Stand up. Shake your hands vigorously, like you're flinging water off them. Make it big and dramatic.
Now add your arms. Swing them around. Make circles.
Add bouncing. Let your whole body get involved. Shake your head (gently). Let your jaw hang loose.
Do this for 90 seconds minimum. You might feel silly. Do it anyway.
After you stop, stand still for a moment. Notice how your body feels. You'll often feel tingling, warmth, or suddenly much more present.
This works because anxiety is literally energy that needs somewhere to go. Giving it permission to move through your body in this physical way helps discharge it instead of trying to contain it.
Creating a Gradual Wind-Down Ritual
Here's the truth: if you go from 100mph to trying to sleep in 10 minutes, your nervous system will rebel. You need transition time.
Build a 30-60 minute wind-down routine:
60 minutes before bed: Stop looking at screens. I know, I know. But the blue light is the least of it. The content keeps your brain in high alert mode.
45 minutes before bed: Do something with your hands that's repetitive and low-stakes. Fold laundry. Color in an adult coloring book. Knit. Make tea. The repetitive motion is soothing.
30 minutes before bed: Dim the lights. Do your progressive muscle relaxation or the 4-7-8 breathing.
15 minutes before bed: Write down 3 things you're grateful for. Not huge things. Small stuff. The way your dog greeted you. The taste of your coffee this morning. This tells your brain to shift from threat-scanning to resource-noticing.
This isn't about being rigid. Some nights you'll skip steps. But having the structure there gives your nervous system a predictable path from alert to rest.
When Anxiety Becomes the Boss
These tools work. They help create space between you and your anxiety so it's not running the whole show.
But if you're noticing:
You're avoiding more activities than you're doing
Panic attacks are happening multiple times a week
You can't remember the last time you felt genuinely calm
Sleep is consistently disrupted
You're using alcohol or other substances to manage the anxiety
Then it's time for more support. There's no shame in that. Anxiety disorders are some of the most treatable mental health conditions when you have the right approach.
EMDR, somatic therapy, and other body-based approaches can help your nervous system relearn safety. Not just manage symptoms, but actually widen that window of tolerance so you're not constantly on the edge.
Your Anxiety Makes Sense
Before you try any of these techniques, I want you to know something: your anxiety makes complete sense given what you've been through.
If you experienced trauma, if you grew up in an unsafe environment, if you've been betrayed or hurt, of course your system is vigilant. It's trying to make sure that never happens again.
These tools aren't about getting rid of your anxiety. They're about teaching your nervous system that it can take breaks from high alert. That you can be vigilant AND rest. That safety and stillness can coexist.
Start with one technique. Maybe the progressive muscle relaxation speaks to you. Maybe it's the butterfly hug. Try it daily for a week before deciding if it helps.
Small practices, done consistently, create big changes.
Struggling with anxiety that won't quit? We offer specialized anxiety treatment throughout Utah, with an understanding that anxiety often has roots in trauma. Schedule a free consultation to talk about what holistic anxiety therapy could look like for you.